This mindful diary is a space for me to share my personal experiences, thoughts, the constant challenges I face, and the choices I make to ensure that my approach towards life(and how it unfolds), remains mindful. I realize I’ll have to assume courage that I am still trying to gather, for me to be as candid as I envision myself being with this. I’ll be borrowing from this quote I heard in a movie, “write it like no one is going to read it.” I hope to share the blissful moments as well as the battles that unravel within me in my pursuit of growth.
ENTRY 1 :
I have gotten to a point in my life where it just dawned on me that when they say you’re your greatest opponent, they really mean it! All along, it’s always been me, against me. I’ve recently been learning that the me I am up against is my ego– damn, 20-something years later, and I finally feel like I have hacked processing my ego and how much she costs me every other day. Now, processing that has only led to being more aware of it, and I am not trying to substitute awareness for a resolution of my big ego issue. I however applaud myself, because, I trust that awareness is always the first step towards any kind of resolve– but I must tread carefully as I write and also live this chapter of my life. Ego for me has been, a defense mechanism, a way to adapt to the society I was born into, the thing that gnaws away at my soul causing me to belittle myself, and sometimes elevate myself into delusion. I have taken different approaches in my pursuit of growth over the years, and in a way that embodies synchrony, they have all led me here– into the awareness and acknowledgment of my ego. As I said, I must tread carefully.
Entry 2 :
Introspection feels different lately. Not the process, but rather the approach I’ve been taking. I have resorted to asking myself critical questions in the pursuit of subduing my ego. I do not have the all the answers to these questions, but daring to ask is step number one to figuring it out.
- Why do I do what I do?
- Do I live in my head more than I meet reality by its terms?
- Does the magnitude of my dreams scare me into inaction, or am I just taking each day at a time?
- Where do I draw the line between inaction and taking it easy, so I don’t coddle my mind into believing that I am working towards manifesting my dreams into reality when I am not?
- Am I putting enough effort into creating the life I want?
- Is self-doubt part of the process? Not knowing what direction to take, falling, and trying to get back up? Fear, and struggling to keep the faith? Wanting to seek guidance, and sometimes not knowing where to seek it- looking within for healing. Is it all part of the process?
- If I do my best today, however that looks like- will I better my best tomorrow?
Life, in many ways is an art that involves daily creative processes. The choices I make; who to be, or not to be, what direction to take, and which one to steer away from- that is the creative process of life. To persevere through life’s challenges, I must root for myself. I must get up, and live through each day pushing against my fear of failure, and the unknown.