“Listen to me, you need to grab that loneliness by its horns and tame it. It’s like an animal that could potentially run wild in search of something and nothing at the same time. Let loose, it wreaks unnecessary havoc…because all it needs really, all it’s meant to be is tamed- to know that its master has it under her control.”
On the morning I wrote this quote, there was no turbulence in my mind; all was in harmony, and that meant being able to hear my ‘higher self’ speak to me loud and clear. One minute I was picturing a fighting bull, how it’s a domesticated animal, yet so wild in its ways, with a fiery rage. The next minute, another thought struck, like a dot connecting to my previous thought, it triggered cognitive memories of how loneliness has sometimes felt like a raging bull, fighting my entire being to be set free. It has fought to diminish my ability for discernment and belittled my sense of self during those times when it managed to subdue me.
In attempts to gain power over my loneliness, I’ve let it wreak havoc- severally! There are times I’ve wanted to curb it so bad, that it got the best of me. As a result, I may have reached out to people I damn well know I am better off without, only to be left cleaning up the inner mess, and picking up the pieces alone, again!
I remembered a recent ordeal I had; one Saturday afternoon, I felt empty and alone, all I wanted was to snap out of it really, to feel something different- but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I picked up my phone and made some phone calls to a few friends hoping to make plans, but none of them was available. And so, I had a point to prove; my solid ‘go-to’ in times like this cannot be other people. I definitely knew that low moments were inevitable. I’ve managed to run away from them other times by seeking yet another high, in whatever shape or form I desired. That thought broke me for a moment. The fact that I couldn’t run away from the brutal feelings of emptiness this time, that there was no one to provide a safe fortress. I absolutely despised how that made me feel even emptier.
And so, I had an even bigger point to prove- to myself! I knew relying on outside forces to cure my desolate inner state always provided unpredictable outcomes. Most times the outcome had a not-so-happy ending. I lay in bed that afternoon, willingly allowing myself to drown even deeper into my well of loneliness. I wanted to cry, but that would have been a means to catharsis, and I was feeling rather apathetic.
I still had a point to prove regardless. I completely switched off the voice that made me believe I had to curb loneliness, and instead, I chose to ride through its motions. I took a shower, and dressed up; unimpressed and unmotivated, I carried that loneliness with me and took us to a Java restaurant.
At Java, I sat at a two-person table, in a corner where I watched everyone else merry over their meals in the company of their families, friends, and colleagues. How I know who the people in the restaurant were with was totally based on observation and assumption. My loneliness-colored glasses may have forged the perception of exactly how much merry everyone else around me was making, just to make me feel a tad more miserable.
Right across from where I sat, there it was, my loneliness, so boldly staring back at me, and I knew right then, it was going to be one heck of a first date! Perhaps, the first of many to come. Like any other first date, it was uncomfortable. I was so fixated on portraying a certain image of myself- to the world around me, and to my date. I didn’t even order my favorite veggie cheeseburger for Chrissake!
As I indulged in the coffee and muffins I regretted having ordered, I found myself easing into the moment and all the feelings it unraveled. The more I stared back at this loneliness, it started to feel like a reflection of me, and I wondered what it is we had in common, whether it was just a part of who I am.
Time passed rather quickly; I didn’t even notice consuming the terrible mint-flavored coffee to the bottom of the cup. I put on my playlist through my air pods, and sat there for a couple of minutes, enjoying the music, and the aesthetic. I observed the people around me, with the music in my ears acting as the background tune to all the little things that they did. I felt whole and lightened up.
By the time I was going back home, I was in harmony- we were in harmony!