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An experience as intimate as sharing your body with a man you like gone wrong tends to weigh heavy on you. Why is it that you carry around this heaviness in your chest trying to hide the embarrassment in the deepest corners of your mind instead of actively addressing it? Why do you do that to yourself? Each time he looks at your face as he goes in for yet another underwhelming stroke, you manage to simulate what absolute pleasure looks like. Poor man, he falls for it each time, and his ego shoots high while he rides you. He puts in the work, he does– but with each time his sweat glands secrete on your naked body, you resent him more. Why do you feel the need to forge satisfaction just so he can wear a smug face?

As little girls, we may have grown up seeing the women that came before us soothe men’s egos, and butter them up as the patriarchal society construct intended. But we know better now; a lot of women have fought unbearable emotional and mental battles to get us here. They’ve been called distasteful names in their pursuit of pleasure and sexual freedom– and for those exact reasons, we should honor them by communicating candidly to our partners.

Sex is one of the most intimate ways to connect with another, and when you strip down to get in bed with your partner, your ego should come off first. Case in point, you create a space that is of pure energy, no charades, and the people involved can take off their armor. Aren’t we all tired of the facades we have to put up just to be who society expects us to be as we try to make ends meet every other day?

Your job isn’t to soothe anybody’s ego, let alone your man’s. Aim to be your most authentic ‘self’ in whatever shape or form that takes, and stick to that loyally. As you try to countercondition yourself from the habits you picked up that affect your sex life, learn to open up to your sisters and girlfriends about your bad sexual experiences. Laugh about it over a glass of wine if you will, it may help lighten your heavy heart hearing that you are not alone in this. I don’t know what it is in us that makes us filled with guilt and shame for putting up with just plain staring-at-the-ceiling boring sex. You need to release those emotions sis! Done too well, conversations with girlfriends can get out of hand, don’t let the sexual resentment you’ve built over time spew over and have you shame your partner. If anything, the purpose of such conversations should only be cathartic– to help you release and learn new approaches on how to fix the problem.

Acknowledge that you’ve also played a part in your bad sexual experiences through failure to communicate. Let us not be prudes with our sexuality– instead, I hope we learn to see it as a gift. With every spasm of sexual desire that your body sends, feel it, embrace it, and be grateful that every inch of you is housed harmoniously in your beautiful body. Neglecting your sexuality is shunning a part of who you are.

And lastly, we’ve all met men who with sticks up their asses would rather die than admit they don’t know how to please you and ask to be taught. If this is your kind of man, I suggest you let him date his ego sis. Love and light to us all as we purpose to be sexually free, bold, and mindful!