Vanessa; a cool lady that I am getting to know, told me that I seem to have unlocked a level she’s yet to get to. I didn’t think much about it then; Henry, a mutual friend of ours was there too, and he’d decided that we should all get high while we caught up. We were engrossed in a heated conversation about growth, and life lately, and all of us had something to say about our personal experiences. It was super interesting! Henry stepped out briefly, and when he came back, he brought with him a whole fast food joint packed in small bags. From that moment on, all we did was agree on how good the fried chicken, sausages, samosas, fries, and bhajias tasted.
This week, I found myself replaying the memory of what Vanessa said to me. I remembered how delighted I felt in the spur of the moment. I just sat there smiling, as she articulated her thoughts about me. I didn’t even try to deflect her compliment or rather what strongly felt like a compliment, nor did I let myself focus on all the shit that’s been weighing me down. Oftentimes, the receptors in my brain will downplay a compliment by making sure I remain aware of how much I don’t have it together yet. Not this time satan! I took it warmly and archived it in the ‘feel good’ section of my brain. Deep down, it felt like I knew what she meant.
I’ve barely made it to where I envision myself being, but I’ve made it out of certain habits, and self-limiting beliefs that have kept holding me back in life. I’ve taken my life lessons, and grown because of them, slowly but surely. However, it’s so easy to forget and overlook the little milestones that I make because there’s always more to learn with every lesson learned. I feel at sea; lost, and directionless more times than I can count. It takes a while before I can remind myself to just enjoy the cool breeze and the view as the sun sets.
“What now?” “What next?” These questions keep emerging from all corners of my mind without any regard for the fact that I am here, a level I yearned to get to for oh so long! Who am I without the wounds that led me to believe they color my skin and give me character? Who am I without the fear, self-doubt, a varying self-esteem, and the constant worry that I may not be good enough? That’s the only self I’ve known for so long, and being here, on this level, is rather strange at times, unfamiliar. Where’s here you ask? It’s a place within, a field of infinite potential. So peaceful, still, yet boring, potentially scary, and many things at a time, but being here allows me to soak it all in without drowning in it.